at the end;

Isn’t it ironic how the person who has the ability to give you hope when you’re hopeless, is also the same person who can make you feel like a total failure? 

Frankly speaking, there’s only one person in my life who can do that. Who will lead me to the light at the end of the tunnel, and who can also make me stop believing everything that I believe in. She’s the one and only person in this world who knows me inside out, knows what i’m thinking even when I refuse to speak about it or even when I, myself don’t even know what i’m thinking (all of these, of course, only when she pays attention to me) and when she’s there, I will always be at my weakest. And she, is also the one who gave birth to me. 

I hate it when people talk to me about her because I believe, my helper and I are the only ones in this entire world that understands my mum not inside out, but rather throughly. We know what she’s been through in the past few years, we know how she fell and got back up on her own. We know. And we don’t talk about it. And yet, some people have the guts to speak to me about her even when they know nuts about her. Talking to me about my mum, like as if they’ve seen what she’s been through, pisses me more than anything else in the world. It pisses me to the point that I will just break down. Because my voice shakes when I try to challenge their ignorance correct their mistakes.

Just last night (at around 11:30pm), I called my mum to ask what time she’ll be returning to the room and she told me that she was at the hotel lobby and asked if I wanted to go down. (And usually, i’d just sit at a corner while she run errands around the lobby and i’d be absolutely fine with that. Or on certain days, we’d just sit at a table and just talk, like friends). Initially, I said no cause I was lazy but ended up going down anyway.

Instead of the usual things we’d do, I ended up sitting with the hotel’s chairman (my mum is his assistant and their relationship is more of friends than “colleagues” so) and we started talking. About my mother. Ok before I start on anything, i’d just say that all along, I have had a good impression of the Boss (will just call him Boss cause hotel’s chairman sounds too formal and it’s too long). Always liked talking to him because he just seem so nice.

So anyway, we he started talking about my mum. Saying that she’s an abled woman (女强人) which I agree to so I was fine, and somehow, the conversation ended up with him telling me that working is important and me trying to explain to him that, we have to strike a balance between work and play and he said I was wrong, like seriously. He said that if all I think about is playing, then i’m really really wrong. But what I was trying to say is that my mum’s spending too much time on her work and she barely has anytime to relax which sucks but obviously not to him because my mum is earning money for him. And he said that I wouldn’t be able to be happy if my mum wasn’t working so hard. That was really the limit. So, I said to him that, there are more number of happy and poor people than people who are rich and happy. AND he said I was wrong. What’s new. So I took my jacket, came up with an excuse that I was sleepy, left and went back to the room. I was so done.

I was really so annoyed and irritated. I can’t really think of the exact reason why I was so affected by what he said, but I was really so irritated that all I could do was to break down and cry. (Sounds damn spoilt right? I know. Cause that’s what my mum said too but really)

So after 5 mins, my mum came up the room and asked me what happened and I still couldn’t stop crying so she started blaming herself. And she told me that she was supposed to return to SG permanently this year and she didn’t because I want to study abroad so she has to work in China . And that was the moment she made me feel like a total failure.

That sentence made me feel that I failed as a sister and a daughter.

If I didn’t give up, my mum would return and she would be able to take care of my sister which would be better for my sister cause she’s in Primary 6 now aka rebellious phase and I think my mum’s the only one who can handle her? And if I continued schooling in SG, my sister wouldn’t feel so alone at home.

And also, because of me, my mum has to separate herself from my sister and I. And I don’t think that’s the easiest thing to do, considering the fact that family is her first priority. Secondly, she has to work almost 14 hours a day because of me. (Her working hours isn’t really fixed. But she’s in charged of the hotel’s management sector and also the assistant of the Boss which means she has to do everything/or at least order others to do because the BOSS obviously doesn’t do anything)

My mum, she’s the most important person in this world to me. And it hurts me a lot to know that she’s suffering so much because of me. She loves reading, writing and music. But because of work, she doesn’t really have the time to read or write. And these are the few only ways for her to relax but she can’t. She doesn’t even know how to operate a TV remote control (no, she does not live under a rock) TV programmes simply do not interest her. To her, i’m spoilt, sensitive, and have the attitude of a princess.

But she doesn’t know that i’m trying to defend her but I can’t and I don’t know how to. So in the end, it ends up with me being sensitive, stupid and obviously ignorant.

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