As October starts, I really hope it’ll be better than September. September was really shitty, August too actually. The best few days I had from the past two months were probably the last week I had in Perth in early August – where I went around taking pictures, and food hunting with my house mate, Karen. In Singapore, were probably those that were spent with my mum, sister and friends (and Maroon 5). Apart from these, really, August and September were absolutely energy draining and upsetting.
In August, one week shortly I returned, my uncle passed away very suddenly. And within that week, so much had to be done. Funeral arrangements, comforting of grandparents and relatives which were definitely not easy. Even I, someone who wasn’t close to my uncle was affected. Can’t imagine the pain and feelings of those who were close.
In September, I argued with my dad countless of times and honestly, I’m so freaking tired of it. I just feel that even as someone half his age, I’m behaving more of an adult than him. After our arguments, he actually blocked my mum and I on whatsapp. Wow, so that’s how he handle “problems” in his life. By blocking them out. Literally.
So much tears were shed in these two months that I don’t actually think I’m capable of crying anytime soon.
Today marks the start of PSLE for the primary school kids, which includes my sister. To people who completed Secondary 3, PSLE to them, is no longer significant. It just determines which academic stream you go to, and at which school. Which of course, many would argue that these 2 factors are critical because which stream you go to, will affect your prospects (O/N level results, or even further), together with the school you go to.
But the truth is that, students in primary school, more often than not, do not understand the importance of education. Even some secondary school students don’t. But hopefully, through secondary school, students would start to understand the importance of it and that they will finally put in the required effort to achieve their goals. And this, I feel, is more important than whatever school or stream you’re posted to because, your attitude can allow you to soar and be the best, even in a mediocre school. Which is better than being the weakest in a prestigious school.
In the past few months, my mum kept telling my sister and I that its okay to leave Singapore in the future if we want to, even now, if we want because she feels that this place, is no longer liveable for anyone. Not just the average. To live here, is to unnecessarily put yourself into a pool of vortex that squeezes every drop of courage, independence and creativity out of you. To live here, is to change yourself to be a person the society needs, and not be that person you need and want to be.
And over time, I really absorb her words and I want to leave. Even though Singapore is my home. Where I grew up, where all my friends are, where my childhood is.
But the thing is, growing up in Singapore then succeeding, is in it, an accomplishment to many.
“Oh, you graduated from a local university? Wow! You must be smart.”
“You are from a Junior College? You must have done really well for O Levels.”
And the question I get most is, “why did you leave Junior College?”
Is there really a “why” to it? What could I possibly answer that would stop people from thinking, “She’s not good enough” or that “She couldn’t handle the pressure”? Nothing. Nothing I say, will stop people from jumping to that conclusion. I guess this – leaving JC, would always be a chip on my shoulder.
Being able to handle pressure is not an innate ability. It’s something that has to be moulded overtime through success and challenges.
Anyway, I’m excited to be having a short trip to KL next week. Has been a long time since I went back to visit my mum’s side of the family. It’s really different. On one side of the family, it’s more affluent hence tend to be a little cold, distant and proud. And on the other, despite the financial status, one can really feel what’s being in a family like. The warmth, love and genuinity. Even if we haven’t seen each other in years. This really showed me how money only plays a small role in building bonds between loved ones.