Change

Looking through a distant friend Instagram feed made me realise how isolated I am from any acquaintance from school. When studying abroad, I think I’m supposed to have a few close friends who can have planned and impromptu meals and travels with. But really after almost 1.5 years in a country so far away from home, I finally feel what it means to be homesick. 

I think my relationship with B made me isolate myself from anyone except him – almost making him the only close friend I have in my second home. I don’t blame him, because it’s probably the same for him. I’ve always been someone who enjoys alone time and being independent but for some reason, recently and tonight, I feel lonely. There’s a difference between enjoying alone time, and being lonely. 

Sometimes,  I doubt this relationship. It always feels like something is lacking and I deserve better. Deep inside, I know I may not find someone who loves me as much as he does. But I think there’s more to loving someone in a relationship. There ought to be not just love, but also lessons both can learn from each other. The latter is quite deficient and I despise that. I want to grow and love together. These few months, I see myself being less of who I used to be, and becoming someone different, and not in a good sense of improving. 

I can’t seem to share any of these with anyone because 1) I don’t really have friends of that level here and 2) my friends in SG have their own problems to worry about and I don’t want to be a burden. Additionally, I feel like I’m just going to sound like a whiny bitch. 3) the one person I can share all of these to will be the one who’ll be most hurt, if I were to reveal my feelings. And I don’t want to hurt him because of my emo self. 

There’s this other person I can share all of these to but then who am I to this person? 

Maybe i’m just being paranoid, all these are great if short term but in the long run, knowing my character, I don’t think it’s going to work out. It scares me when I think about the future because I’ve invested so much in that the only way out is for things to be better. 

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